BtoB story version: KILLING ME

Author’s note:

Changsub as Chris

Chorong (APink) as Casey

The story is all written in Chris’ POV starting from Chapter 2

Available on

Chapter 1 (Author’s POV)

            Busy feet roaming around, neon lights glowing, and smiles are in a dancing wave among the people joining the parade holding colorful lantern lights as they walked around the streets of Suwon, Seoul. It was an annual Lantern Parade celebrated by the citizens of the place, and even outsiders and foreigners every year. It was a very colorful and happy night for the people who witnessed the celebration just as smiles were seen among them ─ well, except for one. He’s Chris, a 20-year old boy living life in a mess.

He can’t understand why people find joy in lights, colors, and flying lanterns where he see them as mere objects and don’t mean a thing. Probably because he came from a broken family, living in his father’s side with two half-siblings and not receiving love at all. He has a dark side and was living in a delinquent life.

Looking up at the sky away from the crowd as he uttered, “Those things are so useless.”

“I don’t think they are,” a voice butted in.

Chris was flabbergasted from the familiar voice behind him so he turned around and faced her. “Well, I think they are. Lighting lanterns, sending them off to sky, you feel happy for a few hours, then gone while contributing toxic the next day,” he said.

The girl was already expecting the answer but didn’t lose her stance, “You don’t understand the feeling─ may it be happiness, hope, or love, it gives to the people. You don’t understand because you have no heart and you won’t ever understand.”

“Oh, and you think you know me?” says Chris in a challenging tone.

The girl took a few seconds to answer and sarcastically laugh, “Dear Chris, I’m the only girl in this whole universe who know you… capital K-N-O-W, since the day you hated the world. And let me remind you, that was a flashy seven years ago.”

Solved the puzzle. The girl was Casey, Chris’ most trusted person in the whole wide world.

Chris then finally burst into laughter. “Yeah, thanks, I’m reminded.” His eyes scrutinizing her from head to foot, “Since when did you arrive?”

She went beside him and curled her legs as she sat on the pavement. “Just now,” a smile flashed on her face.


Chapter 2 (Chris’ POV)

            Yes, seven years have passed since Casey became my closest friend and she’s still the same person that I only love since then. Let’s say it’s an unrequited love, a one-sided thing that I’ve been keeping since we were thirteen.

It was a spring break when we met here in Suwon. She’s originally from Gangnam but she has an aunt who apparently lives the same block as my father’s house. I was only thirteen when my parents separated, and I was dragged down to live with my father. I was an only son until I discovered that father has two other sons ─ so that made me have two older half-brothers. Those years I was living in mess; I hate my mother for turning her back away from me, hate my father for keeping secrets and not treating me as his real son, and loathe myself the more (Of course!) for being born in this world. I wanted to get away, I wanted to kill myself.

I was thirteen since I lost hope in this world, and that was also the time when I resurfaced from the brink of killing myself because I met her. I met Casey. She comforted me through all those times, and stayed beside me. We became good friends.

But two years later, her parents decided to migrate in the States. “Why do people always leave me? I have lived miserably, and the only person whom I thought I only have will leave me,” I said in exasperation. After hearing the news, I begged her not to go. I cried like a fool. I thought my world was going to part without her, and had to die again.

But she promised me one thing. She promised me that she will be back. She will be back every year here in Suwon. So she left.

Who am I to stop her from leaving? I was just a young fellow who can’t do anything. But I held on to her words and waited for her. And then one day she came back. From then on, she comes back every year. My happiest days were those days she came back for me and spent memories together. So we became the closest friends.

For the last seven years, I remained the same dark, cold-hearted young man who still hates everything in this world. I haven’t reconciled with my mother yet and haven’t seen her since she left. Although my father and I still living in the same roof, every day feels we are in a cold war. But I continued living. I went to school, but became delinquent in my studies. But at least, no longer have thoughts of ending my life. I grew up with many people hating me, I hated them too. Though there were some who treated me well out of pity, but I still hated them for making me feel helpless.

Yes, for the last seven years, I turned like an animal. But I only become a human when she’s around. And we keep seeing each other like this every year. But she still doesn’t have any clue toward my feelings for her. To end this unrequited thing, it’s time for her to let her know.

Tonight I’ll let her know…


Chapter 3

            “How are you?” Casey asked.

“Still the same old Chris,” I smiled.

“Still the same old Chris hating the world?” she said as she went closer to me.

“Hmm. A little less?”

She laughed. “I know. Because I’m now here.”

Yes, because she’s now back. Having Casey by my side feels so great that I could almost own the world. I looked at her face, but she was looking away. I wanted to ask so many things about her. Is she doing fine in the States? What happened to his old suitor that she told me? Did she finally reject him? And does she ever love me too?

“So… How are you?” I asked.

“Still the same old Casey. You know what, I’ve gained a lot of guy friends in the university. But don’t worry, they know about you,” grinning her pretty face.

I was surprised. “About me? Like what?”


Totally clueless. I was eager to hear her answer.

“Like I have a best friend way back home in Seoul and no one will ever, ever replace him duhh!”

Oh yes, that was the answer. What was I thinking? Thinking that she might have introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend? Huh! I slightly felt embarrassed but I smiled to cover it. We moved to a wooden bench and continued our conversation. I once more felt at ease with her but deep inside I felt tensed; looking for a right timing to tell her.

“Chris, I have something to say.”

She looked serious as her eyes were intently focusing through mine. I thought I was the only who have something to say. I was about to tell her, but it’s okay. I’ll go after her. “What is it?

“I’m leaving.”


Chapter 4

            “You just came from the States and now you’re leaving?” I answered.

“No, I’m leaving. It means I won’t see you again.” From her personality full of surprises, she surprised me.

“Casey, I don’t understand. Why?”

“It was only last year when my parents met their new business partner. We will move to England, and this time we will live there forever.”

“But you can come back again, like every year, right?”

“No. They warned me just last year not to come back again here in Suwon. But I begged them to let me just see you for once so I could tell you properly. They never like the idea of going back here every year, in the first place. But I did everything just to please them and because it’s a promise I gave you.”

Her tears were falling down on her cheeks. While I, being so dull, still couldn’t understand the situation. I just knew her parents don’t like me. Well, no one ever liked me, at the beginning. Only her. But why is she leaving me?

She continued, “They set me up to a fixed marriage with the family’s son. My parents think it’s our only choice to save our business. I agreed to the proposal. And marrying him means cutting off lines with you, stopping our communication, and forgetting each other!”

My world stopped. Everything became so blurry and dull.  Her confession shot me like a bullet straight to my chest. I was about to tell her that I love her, and then now I’m going to lose her.

“But I love you.” I finally confessed and began to cry.

“I know,” she said.

Our eyes met. We were both in tears. Would telling her about my feelings would stop her from marrying someone else?

She shrugged her shoulders saying, “Why did you just say that now? When it’s all too late? You think I don’t know? Huh! But that won’t change anything. I’m already set up! I can’t do anything. I cried for weeks and weeks begging my parents to stop the engagement because I have you, so I can’t marry other man. But their mind is already set.”

“You love me too?”


Hearing her that she loves me squeezed my heart.

“Then don’t marry him!”

“Chris, my parents’ business is in a brink of bankruptcy! Marrying him is the only thing to save it. I can’t!”

“So what do you think am I going to do with my life now? Tell me, what am I supposed to do?” I couldn’t bear it. I feel so hopeless once again in my life. My world has been shattered.

“Live the life you wanted.”

She can’t say that. I can’t breathe without her. “Why do you need to leave me? Why? Why? Why? Please, I don’t want to lose you.” I’m hurt. Deeply wounded.

“Let’s stop seeing each other anymore. Let’s end everything we have.” She was very calm but I know it took her to muster her courage to say those words. She was playing fake. Deep down her, she wanted to just stay and fly away with me.

“Don’t go.” I held her hand. In my most pitiful face, I begged her. I kneeled down before her, crying. “I think I’m going to die again. Please save me.”

“Let’s forget each other. Please let me go.” Her words killed me.


Chapter 5

“Do you know that I only live up until now because of you? You are the reason why I live; you saved me from killing myself. Until you hurt me. Why do you keep on doing this when I’m hurting so much?”

I couldn’t tell these words to her. I let her be. She left away.

She left me broken and trying to puzzle out everything that happened tonight. She told me to let her go. How could I when I couldn’t forget her? Her memories will keep on lingering me, I will always long for her, that’s for sure.

Now I found no reason to live, I’d rather die under these colorful lanterns in the sky. Seeing her leave like that is just killing me.


Listen to BtoB’s Killing Me at


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